Word Vomit

Embrace Life...The Twists, the Turns, the Miracles of this Life.

Only read the rest if you want to hear the blah, blah, blah of life.  Otherwise STOP now and just live, God gave you today...do something wtih it!


Here it goes.  Krystal in the open. 
Allow me to introduce myself.  I am a very outgoing person.  I enjoy being around people but need my time for myself.  I am very good at blocking things out.  I prefer to hurt before I get hurt.  I am a volcano.  Completely silent before I erupt.  I don't erupt often and try to look at the glass half full.  I am a control freak.  I love sticky note and to plan, plan, plan. 
This is where I am putting myself out there.  Not only am I erupting but I am doing so in a blog. 
A few weeks ago I wrote saying I was in a bad mood.  Needed to get out.  I thought I was doing alright, then it got worse.  I shut everyone in my current life out and desperately went to all the people in my past.  I went back to my college for a weekend, want to go home, want to get away from this current life.  Why you ask?...
Before you ask that question let me ask a few...

• When will contracts be handed out?
• Will I get one?
• If I stay at this school do I want to stay living a town away and continue to commute?
• Could I afford to move?
• What if I don't stay in this district?
• Would it be all that bad?
• What can i do that is GREAT, would glorify God and give my life a purpose?
• If I start to hate everything about this life will it hurt less when it gets taken away from me?
• Should I apply for a new job or hope to keep this one?
• Where can I escape to make myself feel better?

Now you can see where my problem is coming from.  So let me start at the beginning.  When I was applying for my current job I was informed that it was only secure for one year since the position was for a person on sabbatical, who is also retirement age.  For nearly a year now I have been crossing my fingers that she will retire.  The end of the school year is getting closer and closer.  Debate over contract issues is causing the district to delay their handing out contracts thus prolonging this waiting game that I am now in chin deep.  I would be lying if I told you I still show up everyday with a smile on my face ready to dive in.  Reality is I walk through the doors of the school thinking what if... these are the lasts.  It breaks my heart every time. 

Now that I have showed you my true colors and how easy it is to get sucked into this deep blue feeling.  Let me tell you about a run I had today, thoughts that went through my head and what I am trying to do to conquer them. 

I went running on a new path.  The path had a very nice little stream.  I found myself needing to go near the stream.  I have been frustrated but have not cried over all of this.  Very strange for me, I cry super easy.  I cried.  There at the stream I cried.  I prayed and I cried.  Then I stopped, crying, praying and the  music on my ipod.  I heard the stream near some rocks and the song, "It is Well with  my Soul" came to me. 
"Whatever my lot thou has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul".  Whatever happens it will be all good. I know how awful this possibly could be.  I know that it could end exactly how I dream it will every night.  I know that whatever happens, it has to be God's plan, not mine.  (that right there is tough, that is why I still cry.)  Letting go and letting God.  Even though it appears that is impossible, it's not.  Devout Christians all around the world have had to conquer this same mindset.  People in Japan are doing that right now.  When the world falls apart, or you think it might...fall on God.  He is our rock. 

Many times this year I have been thankful that God has given me what he has, kept what he should, and saved me from a lot.  Now I must trust that whatever happens this year...2011-2012 will end the same, far better than I could ever imagine. 

Now that I have spent too much time on this blog trying to feel better, had some word diarrhea (as a student said today :) )  Allow me to share with you what I woke up saying for nearly an entire year from my favorite book Eat, Pray, Love

 "I will not harbor these unhealthy thoughts anymore"

I'm over it!  Onto bigger and better things!

I also know I just need to get over myself and my problems.  Japan and other devastated countries should be our main focus.  A dear colleague is in the hospital fighting for his health, people are starving, and many many more issues in our world.  Which is why I am sick of having these awful thoughts.  I'm going to try to embrace the gift of everyday.